i say its just the weather. i mean if it wasnt so fucking cold outside everything would be pretty different. so i know its been a one big binge since winter break. i know that now. its time for a break. 

sunday was the superbowl. bears lost. i didnt really care, hence i dont really follow football. but i mixed too many things. mixing is not good ill tell you. if u dont wanna die err such dont do it. it's been pretty hard core party style if you know what i mean.

so i was thinking... i thought about all my friends who moved up a level. almost all of them, including myself, moved up. i hope that nothing bad is going to happen to anyone. i mean everytime its over i realize how much i hate it. i hate how its so fucking awesome. so awesome that you wanna reach the fucking stars. i dont recommend it to anyone. you have to be able to handle yourself.

i hate how iv been drowsy for weeks. self inflicted drowsiness id call it. the bad thing is that you're aware of the aftermath but i just love her! yes i love her. and i hate her even more. its a love hate relationship wih her. i love her now but once shes done with me ill hate her. and on and on...

im talking too much about drugs. anyways:

my hands are dry        

my nails are breaking

my lips are chapped

i have:

dull face

dull eyes

dull skin

dull life

i am:

doll parts

put me back together?

i can't right now...

o yea i got that scholarship. schoolwise everything is good. its that one thing i will never let myself fuck up. thats not an option for me. ever since i was little i thought that anything below a c is not for me.

hunged out with ryan today. it was fun. i just wish that it wasnt so damn cold.  

 

so im guessing that subconsciously im thinking  a lot about everything...when i say everything i mean the changes ...i never wanted to hurt anyone but i cant pretend and force myself to do something ..i could never just date anyone if i truelly didnt like them . i didnt choose over anyone. i told him such a long time ago that we cant be. and its makes me feel awful wen i see him looking at me like that. there are so many other fish in the sea. why me? when i said that we couldnt be, i told him that it would destroy our friendship. but me dating someone else is practically doing the same thing. its defenitely not normal. not like anything close to our old friendship. the old times.

im not in love with love. i dont need it. i enjoy being free. and when something like genuine affection comes around its even better. i cant pretend. i cant date someone just to date someone. i wouldnt go out with my close friends just to go out b/c were both single and dont know how to be alone. some people like the idea of having a boyfriend/girlfriend more than actually finding someone that u truelly have feelings for.

 

i feel like i should write more often to keep track of my life

i must say that everything is just lovely...its been months since iv felt unhappy..i guess im a positive person and its hard for me to be around buzz killers

so there r two boys that c me in a different way but i really like ryan and theyre my friends, if i went out with them then i wouldnt be true to myself ...i just hate that feeling when u know theyre looking at u in that way ....plus it would destroy our friendship

winterbreak was pretty eventful. i did what i dont recommend a lot ...there would be days that we did it all. rocklobsters for life haha. made something out of everyday. partied with old friends, partied with new friends ... partied with my best friends fo life. did it all.

i went back to work yesturday. i really like working at sandbar. im cool with chris. haha nikki and i danced behind the bar. o and the astronauts performed! cute guy cut his hair...therfore not so cute guy lol. i told rico suave that my boyfriend was gonna beat him up if he wont stop hitting on me haha.

according to my dad i was "grounded" this week lol...more like everyone coming to me. so i didnt have to move my ass at all! i enjoyed every second of it ...

schools going pretty nice ..pretty much i have all a's and b's for the semester.

im cool with my mom. and shes cool with me. i have sooo much more freedom than last year. i love her and im straight with her.   

tomorrow im going to some punk show in chicago with mizo, britt, and i think dan the perv. we should make it home alive...

the stars are bright ...goodnight

 

its 2007!!!! ..woah

so i think i got what i wanted..but nothing can ever be perfect..i like it how it is!

friday was pretty eventful ...got drunk...lol

yesturday was the eve before the eve party... not what i expected.. kinda crazy..lol

its all about the smile...and the stars ...and you.

happy new year!

sometimes ur mind wonders about how do specific events in ur life change ur behavior and affect you. i think that i would be in the same place anyways...

ill look from the above only to c you like no one does.

 

nevermind everything before...its all good

cant even believe its christmas ..doesnt feel like it

i went to church today and i kept on apologizing to jesus ..he died for our..my sins

i felt bad for the things i do sometimes...

ehh i think the roads r getting nearer....

went to some party in north riverside on friday..fun..friday was pretty nice

makes me smile when i think about

eeh sat sunday and today were kinda gay...going back to sleep now ..so i can wake up tomorrow and have fun again

christmas used to mean so much more to me before and now its just kinda plain..atleast i have memories right?

 

as of today..b/c ik that i will forget..i cant be on anything around him ..the thing is that im so independent on my own..im not used to it...no one needs to hold my hand and guide me...lol

i woke up early today..9 47 right now...

i got drunk  on friday..on wine lol thats a change

iv spend the whole yesturday ..smoking and drinking..i also had a lovely time with him

aight so ...i do..(wis) i dont (wins)..remember

lol wtf is wrong with me..i gotta cut down? ehh maybe...not

 

 

last i was having mood swing ....it all turned out how i wanted it to

i just dont know anymore ...do i? do i not?

i dont know

thats al i can say about this...maybe its just b/c of school

maybe its b/c i never get to c him

do i? or do i not?

the problem is that i have the ability to tune out whatever i want and just forget about it and not care

i shouldnt have done that that fast

never gave it a chance

i think i do

but then i dont know....this week sucks (b/c of school)  

 

this was supposed to be my lucky day...so what if i "discovered" something that doesn't even matter anymore

this was supposed to be my lucky day...nothing special happened ...idk i still have half of the day left..

i should have never let my friends do this for me..it was real fun in the short run, but not in the long run...always  do ur dirty work by urself

it's cold outside..is something eluding you sunshine ?

if you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes, you'll just have to blow away through this disguise.

i need to rearrange everything, think things through ...and remember to think things through

my mom got me a cup with a  description of someone under the cancer sign ...it didn't go with me at all... she laughed and said that  i am just like the description...whatever im drinking out of that cup right now ..maybe one day i'll accidently break that cup

roads getting nearer....

 

shit i think that im absolutely crazy

in a good way..to me.. and in a bad way to anyone else besides my friends...i cant even write today..

so today i woke up and i was completely fine! i felt lovely and then i started the day again

la la la la la! laaa laaaa laaa laaaa! laaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

my ethnicity totally pays off man ..i got such a strong polish body ..hahaha!! ..and at the end i can keep on going

u dont even know ..im not crazy..o yea remember make another list ..what day is it? peace..later daze yo

so last time i was just having mood swings lol mainly b/c of the sun..whatev im pretty goood haha

please dont read my journal

nothing im going to write here is going to show u how i am

so it's time for a change! tomorrow is even a better day ..so much to do ..so little time all the time...but i know how to stop it

i just dont get some people, and i swear i gave up.. i dont understand how can someone be that damn difficult...oh well it's funny sometimes b/c they're are soooo predictable

u know what i say to u?...suck it up..get fucking over it!..negative nancy

some people never change..never evolve..never learn. they shelter themselves with some sterotype. they refuse to look at other things b/c it's not the thing to do for the way that they are supposed be. i glance at them and them quickly forget.there is  nothing special about them, nothing that makes them stand out in the crowd. you can't shelter urself and choose to be ignorant. ignorance is bliss.

i have so many choices right now. i'm so excited for life! i can't wait till im out of here! so many ideas for the future. so im thinking about criminal psychology. bionuclear chemsitry..haha..and a bunch more

i'm pretty much living my life. enjoying everyday. everything ends u know. nothing lasts. so why not enjoy everyday like there's no tomorrow. rocklobster is forever!

don't read my journal ..pig..and i hate pigs.

 

180 degree rotation in the wrong way

shit

fuck you aurora borealis

fuck the darkness

fuck snow

SAD syndrome

i have all of the symptoms ..all of them

according to my horoscope i should try to solve this with what i know has worked before ...and you know what?.. i will

goodbye to happiness. ill miss you sooo much. i can't believe that this is happening already. i can't believe this. 

ah so many candidates ..but none that i like

see you next time its warm again........whatever

..go back to sleep..

*coughs* fucking cough ...oh ever so glamorous cought a cough

shes very drugged up lately on a variety of different syrops, pills, alcoholic beverages, and a bunch of usual  paraphernalia

if shed died today you wouldnt know her

see the important thing is to remember someone as you knew them back then when you actually believed that you knew them ... not as they are now

 

here r pictures from the summer and some recent ones did i mention that it snowed today? Oct.12 2006 ...first time ever have i seen it snow before haloween, and with trees still having green leaves 

   oh how pretty lol

dont underestimate my guns

yeaaaa

and...

zzzeeeeeeesssss!

last week DUPA!

do u like my rose?

hey that was thursday!
DUPA DUPA!

 drunk bitch friday! err drink away our feelings friday too lol

lol

one of our sleepovers lol

when? where? i have no idea

laura said this was taken when we went to c x-men

my b day i believe 

britts porch

that was the last day of summer

kinda blurry but thats how this saturday was

sunday

time goes by

so slowly

only when im there though and it feels its the only way i can stop it

im only messing around with ur minds dont read anything i write nothing here is ever too specific to be pinpointed to one person.

so what the fuck is that? hits me in the middle of anything and leaves after 5-10 min. everything i do..even if i dont try works out at the end. how is this hapening? i dont know. is it logic? what is always there? is it luck? will i crash and fall someday?       

 go back to sleep

what an amazing time..what a family...how did the years go by?. now its only me...

i need to organize again. have to have it my way. cant be a disappointment  to myslef.

im better off on my own..i like it that way.. sometimes i get sad..because we cant be ..and i dont want to be.. because if there is one thing i learned from that person, its that nothing lasts. why destroy everything u build?   kinda funny ..and ironic ...lol 

i feel like doing something i dont recommend..its been a while..the darker and colder it gets the more i would like this

im a free bird. no one can stop me .. no one besides me

i hate when people think that someone else will take care of them. if u dont take care of urself no one will

 passive agressive bulshit and silent treatment

watch out dont let me mess with ur mind

... go back to sleep...

 

 

Me-Brittany i like ur sweater, it's not new right?

Brittany-Of course it's not ,you wore it remember?!

Me-I did???!!!

Laura-You wore it to the woods remember?

Me-No?!

me-*pause* ...i believe you

hahahahahahahahahahaha Lmfao

Im sure this made our days ...so many good memories hahaha

so im doing great at school i feel like a frickin genius, looove my best friends, celebrate every weekend...lol i actually slept last saturday

im kinda sad b/c its gonna be different now ...not as fun ..errr maybe it will

October is here and i loooove the weather. Its beatiful outside. yesturday was so nice and warm.

smoking a joint and sipping on jin and juice ..laidback..with my mind on my money and my money on my mind

i feel like there are only two people that know me. if u dont keep up with me then im not going to fill you in on anything. once i lose my trust to someone i never trust them again . i remember forever. so far junior year is sweeeet    

 

 

what sucks is that i drank all my tea but never finished the sandwich ..so its fall now ..its getting cold ..real cold ..i was warned that today would be a shitty day ..never again? ..no ill probably do it again but i dont recomend it  b/c ull love it and never stop ..

you look at people and you look at their faces and you exactly know ..when i say i hate you it means that i dont give a fuck about you and dont waste my time on even thinking about you ..people can be so dumb sometimes they waste their biggest most important posesion ..how about do something for yourself

i think i should list some of the main events of september..my parents going to south dakota  lol big mistake ...well now that i think of it my life is just a one big event, its pretty adventerous if you ask me..oh yeah almost got arrested ..oh and went to the woods on saturday

sometimes i wounder how my life will turn out ..if ill ever get old...if true love excists (i dont believe so)...

i dont have any feelings today im just empty ..i dont pay much attention to anything ..there are so many more important things

oh yea me and britt ditched school last week it was fun i wrote myself a note and she just walked out ..we walked home in the rain ..passed the police station ..waved to pigs ..got to her house..changed to pj's ...smoked ..watched saw I ..

..you cant trust anyone ..i mean anyone..anyone around you might just fuck you over ..i had no desire to ever talk to someone, even look at that persons face ..i still don't maybe with time ill at least look at them..last week i wanted to take a baseball bat and just beat you to death ..

im such a better person inside and outside but im not going to share that with you

today is the last day of the summer in exactly an hour from now will be tomrrow and with tomorrow will come.... fucking school..gah

so what did i do this week?? hunged out with ben a little ..on thursday i  smoked so much that i felt sober! (and we did smoke for good 2 hours) iv never smoked so much ..we were at shawns and walking home felt so good lol

we never went to michigan b/c it wasnt warm enough but laura cameover and then mizo josh and etc showed up at my house drunk and then brittany jumped out of her car when we were at the park ..we went on a quest to find candy which failed..josh likes me now..im hoping hell stop b/c men suck so yea some giant dog attacked me and we got baked .. and laura was with us! till the end ! lol i love her

am i going to meditate today? nah but i need a haircut so laura remind me

..iv come to realize and its true doing the same shit just to feel something different then come home and crash ..everyday is the same and sometimes im just too fucked to be out there err whatever im talking about

so my brothers back and so far we're cool we're really alike with our looks and characters ..so lets c what did i do this week ?? ... well mainly hanging out with brittany snicking out of my house at 11 "to talk to britt" gettting blazed idk maybe we need to get out of here take a break from everything id love to go to like michigan or something like that one time we went with laura in 7th? 8th?? grade

got a skirt from the thrift went to work yesturday go off early went to britts ..everyday is exactly the same

i dont want school to start eer atleast this year who knows though maybe ill be a genius ..i heavent meditated since monday but once i have nothing else to make myself fall asleep then ill remember about it

i think ill grow my hair long err if itll actually grow and i think ill get me glasses b/c i too lazy to wear my contacts  ..watch me get a haircut like tomorrow lol

im not waiting for anything ..nothing special is coming my way ...i dont even want anything special ...gave up on special things but the weather lately is beautiful

i got a headache and only thing helping is metal music er knife party yea so these the main and also only events that i do actually remember- on wednesday i was with laura and britt then we went to osco with terance and their perv cousin  there was a crazy hurricane/t-storm we got soaked lol took bets with ternace about who do the cops take out first poss or his brother lol but it turned out that the electric pole fell or broke in half ....friday i wroked and it was really fun b/c i liked the people that were there and i even met some polish chick ..talked to britt for a little when it was kinda slow and a there were other people there such as ed edd and eddie talked to them too went back inside later after work i went to britts porch thinking that she was actually there but ended up hanging out with eddie, ed edd and eddie terance and some other dude ..then went home and freaked out for a little  nothing else special happened since ..i am bored .. baked...headacheeeee

and there it is the remastered pic of that crappy one lol ..its from "drink away our feelings friday"

omg i nevere picked up my photos from osco lol ..i hve terrible memory nowadays wunder why, but tomorrow is the annual T. Cup party lol our special guest will be Laura

i wished i had some sort of a pet i could take for a walk just to get out of my house when im actually home b/c i hate this house well i called work and im finally working on friday gah i need money to buy me happyness even though i must say this summer is so much better than last year and i am pretty happy for myself b/c im never happy its all in my head and there isnt anything anyone can do

i just love how suddenly i feel back home like the fucking grass sounds just how it used to and  the air is so nice and hot and fuxking dry not humid and the way everything sounds is just like home and i feel closest to being on my land  with all the yellow flowers and random poppies everywhere and everythings so green and noisy and im walking alone or walking my cow (i know lol) well now im laughing

sometimes i think like i should write a book or something lol b/c its all in my head but when i die no one will ever know or atleast remember most of this ?

 

my motto is if ur an asshole to me im an asshole to u ...so lets c on friday i hunged out with britt and then we saw basically all of bens friends and him so we hunged out with nick and some 2 other people for a little we basically went to woods and then ditched them lol later we saw this really hot cop and it was funny b/c we both had eye contact with him for like 10 sec lol i cant remember anything else ..yesturday twas just me allie and laura we bumped into preston and josh and we went to c x-men and who knows someone actually gave josh a cigarette i got home a little late ... y is brookfield so boring gah one day when my parents are gone im throwing a praty

wouldnt it be awesome if you lived in a dream and anyhting u wished for could happen iv been celebrating fridays a lot this week that is monday as the friday of the week and friday on a wednesday and tomorrow is a friday too! im so inspired right now and more organized and shit the creative part of me is back i just wish i had art first semester

life can be so shitty at times today i hunged out with allie and then with ben hes such a nice friend to have he told allie to "take care of me b/c im the sweatest person he ever met" awwwwww  no one has ever said that about me i think of myself as a mean person lol err gah he smelled so nice today lol but u know what helps?.. drugs! and a crazy friend like britt but at the end i still want a fucking hug from my boy ..fuck i need a normal job b/c i have things to buy to make me happy

so yeasturday i hanged with myslef britt and laura.. britt and i thought itll be nice to drink our feelings away plus get massively stoned  so we did  the 3 of us ran around brookfield in search of more drugs and i just remembered we took the train to lagrange to c the omen i slept a little bit idk maybe i was too fucked but i couldnt stop laughing at how awful that movie was then in the middle of omen we got up and left back to brookfield laura left? drank some more walked around ran into mizo skinner and proper who were also drunk well there probably was more to talk about but i just dont remember it

eeh i can be so bipolar it seems like i can see the beauty of life only when im on something and im never fucking hungry nowadays i can just sit here and never feel hunger  which is bad when ur trying to gain fucking weight ur whole life ..yesturday i hunged out with laura kim taryn and allie it sems like no matter what everythings gonna go downhill anyways so y bother eeh when i think about it everything ends someday and once it does everything gets so fucked up and weird eeeh y bother then idk fuck  life